When we are born, we are a well of emotions. Without safety nets and without preparation, we are engulfed by overwhelming emotions that do not ask for permission and shape our identity, our way of relating to the world, and our own fragility. We build walls, labyrinths, doors, and windows to try to manage the impossible task of controlling what we allow to touch us and what we will ignore. And so, men and women grow and develop, gradually distancing themselves from their sensitivity, as it wouldn't be possible to remain sensitive to everything all the time.
The internal world becomes a Pandora's box, and the attempt to stay within what is familiar to avoid surprises works reasonably well for what comes from the outside. During pregnancy, this dammed-up well begins to bubble and break numerous restraints. How can one defend themselves from something that comes from within? It's an experience that rekindles emotions felt throughout life in a very short period: 9 months. Women relive what they felt as babies, the whirlwind of sexuality experienced in adolescence, and they must confront the image of the mother they had, the one they wish they had, and the one they want to be. Managing the roles of mother, daughter, wife, professional, woman, and friend is akin to the task of a plate spinner: almost every day, one plate crashes to the ground.
It's as if all the ghosts come to haunt her simultaneously. It is no coincidence that many pregnant women report numerous nightmares. Amidst this conflict, a completely dependent, fragile being is born, demanding exclusive dedication. Not always has the battle with one's own ghosts ceased before the baby is born. This is why many mothers do not find the strength to give up themselves and live solely for their babies. Contrary to what many think, postpartum depression goes far beyond the desire to have a child or not. The need to lick one's own wounds takes precedence over licking the baby's wounds, and at this moment, receiving criticism is cruel.
The mother-baby duo needs caregivers who can help the mother understand that this very demanding relationship has the most potential for healing. There's no need for self-defense because although that baby represents mourning for a previous life, it will also bring the opportunity to renew and be reborn: to rewrite the bonds with one's own history.
When the baby emerges from the womb, the idealized relationship is attacked; it is forced to be replaced by the real and possible relationship. The mother confronts all her limitations and is compelled to reconsider her performance and expectations. What mother doesn't imagine having a baby who smiles all the time, eats everything, sleeps through the night, and is super affectionate? On one hand, constructing an image of your baby before birth is important because it's an emotional investment in the relationship. However, there must always be room for the baby to be themselves, meeting some expectations and surprising in others. To achieve this, we have to consider an adjustment period. Some people handle surprises better than others.
Not all husbands are sensitive and attentive during the postpartum period, and for many, the first few months are a time when they feel sidelined. A support network within the family is essential. A grandmother who helps with care or even a loving babysitter can help the mother gradually reclaim her role.
It is important to note that the depressive feelings in the first few weeks are not necessarily postpartum depression. Due to hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and high demands, 80% of women experience what Americans call "baby blues." Depression is only truly diagnosable after a few weeks. There is no need to be ashamed to seek help from a professional because they will not judge your performance; they are there to provide support for your suffering.
In depression, there is a loss of interest in almost everything. The woman no longer finds pleasure in doing what used to please her, doesn't care for self-care, and sometimes can't even care for the baby. She spends her days crying or extremely irritable. Anyone who has had a child knows that I have just described virtually all mothers in the first month after giving birth. In fact, what differentiates normalcy from depression is the intensity. In order for the mother to deeply connect with the needs of a newborn, it is inevitable that she loses, to some extent, interest in everything that is not related to that relationship. This sacrifice only becomes bearable when the mother can find deep satisfaction in parts of that relationship: a smile, the look of contentment and relaxation after a feeding, the gentle touch on the soft skin, or simply the pride of having created that little being. Without these moments of happiness, all that remains is exhaustion.